ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
