I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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