the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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