Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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