Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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