These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The air was thick with penises
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
