I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
