Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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