I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
