I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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