Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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