i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
