I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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