I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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