Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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