Kiss
Puke
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
