The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
