separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
