I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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