You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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