Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
