sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
