the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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