It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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