Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
