today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
