Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
