I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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