I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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