My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
