I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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