the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
