No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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