found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
