My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
