At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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