the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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