The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
