rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
