On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
