my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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