Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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