When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
