R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
