I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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