A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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