Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
