I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize