he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
