i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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