its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
