mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
