i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
