did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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