watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
