Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
